I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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