Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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