If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
