Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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