then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize