so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
