Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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