im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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