dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
