So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
