Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
