so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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