I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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