apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
