I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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