I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
