pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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