I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
