oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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