Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
