You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
