You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
