i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
