i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
