Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
