Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
