Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
