The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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