You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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