im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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