I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize