i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
