don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
