Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
