After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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