Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
