Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
