captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
