You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
