Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
