Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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