it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I could fuck to npr.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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