I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
