"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
