Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
