Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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