Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
