Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
what day is it and did you see me today?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I'm bleeding and have questions
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
