The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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