I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
