Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Watching her eat just hurts me
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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