My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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