Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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