This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
