apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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