Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
