Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
