She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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