I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
