Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
