So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
