I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
