I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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