I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
