I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
