nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
