I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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