Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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