i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize