sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
