I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
