is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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